Yesterday, I stood in my bathroom for 5 minutes, staring at the wall before stepping into the shower. And then I finally admitted it: I am terrified of being free.

I felt that weight that hits you when you realize there’s no more guardrails. In college, if I didn’t finish the project, I’d fail my teammates. If I fail a class and have to re-sit the semester, I waste my parents’ money. The stakes are undeniably real.

But now there’s a 6 month gap before I have to start my internship. The gap where all the responsibility is on me to not waste that time. And the reason I’m scared is that my track record without a “boss” is pretty bad.

Why productivity hacks don’t work

When no one is controlling you anymore, most people (myself included) get excited. We think that freedom means we can finally put all the time in our dream project. And when it doesn’t happen automatically, we try to trick ourselves.

We try the Pomodoro apps or promise ourselves a piece of candy if we draw for an hour. I see people setting up accountability partners or putting their phones in timed lock-boxes. We try to create pressure because we’re desperate for someone to tell us what to do.

I tried setting a Twitter deadline. I had a viral post in September and convinced myself that I had to post every day or everyone will forget I exist. That rule was real for me for exactly 4 days. On the fifth day I couldn’t finish a study fast enough and missed the deadline.

And BOOM, nothing happened.

Four months later, my posts still get attention, no matter how many days off I take. The deadline I tried to convince myself of in the beginning was a lie. That’s the problem of being self-aware. You can’t fool yourself. When I tell myself “I have to draw today or my career is over,” my subconscious just laughs at me. It know that I have plenty of time in the future to catch up.

That’s the scariest part. I wish I didn’t have time. I wish circumstances forced me to act right now.

The dopamine trap

Because there’s no supervisor, I fall into the “watching YouTube while eating” trap.

I sit down at my PC to eat, and I find a video. Usually a long, engaging one. I tell myself that I’ll just watch it while I eat, but an hour later the video is still playing. The food is long gone, just like my motivation to draw anything.

The dopamine hit from the video is so satiating that opening Photoshop and picking up the stylus feels like the most boring thing I could possibly do. In December I drew for 60 hours in total. In January, I barely did 20.

I’m paralyzed between two fears. On one hand it’s finding a regular job, doing the miserable commute, and then speaking to French co-workers all day. (which feels alien to me) Then there’s the fear of going all in on my art and realizing I’m not cut out for it.

The second fear is what keeps me from actually committing. If I don’t try my hardest then I can’t technically fail.

How I’m planning to change

I know I can do this because I’ve done it before. From September 4th to the 25th, I hit 21 days of going to sleep at 8 and waking up at 5. It broke when I stayed at a bar until 11:15pm on the 25th.

Starting Monday I’m moving from tricks to actual consequences.

Next month I’m going to open my business bank account. That means I’ll have to pay 9€ per month to keep it active. If I don’t open commissions and start selling art, I’m literally losing money to maintain that fantasy.

So here’s the plan:

  • No phone before bed and no phone in the morning.
  • 5am-3pm is for creative work only.
  • 3pm I go to gym, and only relax after.

I stick to the gym because I’ve soft-quit before already. And I remember the pain of losing all my progress. So the threat is real and tangible now.

Do I think this will stick forever? I’m not sure. I bet I’ll break in a week. Usually I tell myself “Today was so stressful, I deserve one more video before bed.” But this newsletter remains my beacon of hope, because I haven’t ever missed a Saturday. It’s the only commitment that survived my own self sabotage.

What you can take away from this

The main thing is to stop trying to trick yourself with fake deadlines. Here’s what I’ve learned from failing:

  • You cannot create fake urgency. You won’t believe your own lies.
  • Discipline requires proof of consequences. The gym habit works for me because I already know the pain of quitting and starting over.
  • Dopamine is a zero-sum game. If you start your day with entertainment, the boring work won’t feel enjoyable.